*Instead of writing a poem, I just wrote..*
Its alota ppl that call me *crazy*, & I have no problem with that.. But its 2 different types of *crazy*.. 1 is insanity, the other is not understanding.. I classify myself as *misunderstood!*
I have an issue with ppl not taking me seriously, so it leads into me doing *outrageous* things that make you think in such a way..
The majority of times you'll see me (J.B) smiling, laughing, & most of all joking.. but behind closed doors I cant find 1 person to let errthang loose to to save my life besides God..
I have a *BIG* issue with excuses/being let down.. My life doesn't hold nor will tolerate it.. I believe in making time & doing what you want to do.. Excuses is just something made to try to cover your ass..
I wake up early in the morning damn near err week to drive *1 1/2 hours away* to dedicate my time to incarcerated youths facing Adult life sentences in a county jail for *FREE!* Wake up err morning creating jokes, thinking of new ways 2 entertain yall just to reach where I wanna be.. And I could giva fuck about the fame lifestyle..
*My whole reason for being here is to be a messenger*, I just so happen to be blessed to have numerous of talents that can kick down doors so I can be heard.. Besides all of that, I feel like I have no other reason of being here.. It aint cause my mama, sister, grandma, family.. Its cause I know God has installed that passion inside of me, so I chose to do so according to his will..
I have many dark days & I feel alone.. Its times when I feel like "why am I even here? .. Nobody cares".. I have no *REAL* ppl to turn to & that shit alone can drive u crazy..
since *January* this year, my cell phone has gotten quiet.. I remember hitting a record breaking of not receiving 1 text or call for 2 whole weeks last month.. Sometimes I just wanna talk, but to a person with some fucking sense that think *LOGICALLY*, not strictly opinionated!
Sometimes I get tired of being me, sometimes I think about leaving the country & turning *Muslim* like *loon*.. He looks *happy*, I wonder if I'd be/feel alot more *peaceful?* I haven't found the correct peace I been searching for in Baptist.. maybe thats y I haven't attended church in so long!?
*Sometimes I just dont know.. I just dont know man.. I just wanna get away..*
I need somebody who can put up with me, never get tired & check on me frequently.. somebody who dont overlook me..
I dont know man.. I just need some fucking help, & *God* is a constant struggle to depend on when u cant see, touch, feel, or hear em.. I'm just sayin!
*But I'm NOT insane.. Or maybe I am? ... Never mind, dont pay me no fuckin attention!*
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Wow man, i understand where you comin from. Ppl hate to see the real you when they are benefitting from the show that you put on, and when you need them to really help u out they can't. I personally had to take some time for myself and shut everything out and jus refocus myself and see who my real supporters/friends were and then vent to them, that way you no longer carry that burden. Now thats where God comes in because he has placed people in our lives that can help that physical aspect of him that jus isn't tangible right now.
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ReplyDeletei love how ur so open like when i feel this way i jus keep it all in because i feel as though if i talk to someone they hear me but they dont hear wat im sayin....when u say no one really hit chu up on da regular i was kinda shocked because i look at u as someone who would have many friends....i wish i was as outspoken as you are u have to many talents and people tha are behind u to feel like dis hey i dont even kno u and im behind u all da way ....i wish da best for u ......aslo i kno im far away but im a good listener an would love to listen to what you say...i have u as a friend on facebook and im following u on twitter....lmao im no a stalker but i jus think ur very intresting and u hold something im dieing to here or see...idk y.....<3 shay....
ReplyDeleteyou aren't alone in what you are feeing...
ReplyDeletejust a thought:there comes a time when you must tap into the strength within yourself because you are the only person that knows YOU 100%...you have to put up with YOU 24/7...so why not cultivate yourself spiritually...maybe it would help you to explore some other religions if you are not happy with the denomination that you are now apart of...religion gives you structure and balance...and that may assist you a great deal in your daily struggles...
ReplyDeleteI cant say i understand because i dont know all the details of whats going on with you. I dont know what youre going through because only you carry that inside. However If you ever need someone to just be there and listen i cant just up and say me because its gonna take earning your trust for you to fully be able to say what u need to say. Atleast thats how i see things.
ReplyDeleteWhatever turmoil is within u right now...i know that its not going to go away ASAP, however know that there are people who care about JB the person, and not only JB the poet...if they havent made themselves visible maybe you should meet them halfway like you have done now so they will show themselves.
Prayer is a hell of a drug and one i havent used much myself but currently using like hell. Right now pray for the right people in your life, pray for direction and pray for a peace within for urself.
WOW. Sorry to hear you feel like this man, but I can totally see where you are coming from. Its so easy to put on a smile and act like everything is great, but as soon as you are behind closed doors you just become depressed and everything negative in your life comes to the surface. I can relate to that more than you know.
ReplyDeleteI never knew you on a personal level, but I know how nice it isto have a good friend that you can count on when you really need to talk.
And by the way, that's awesome what you do for those youth. I know that you are helping them out more than you know.
I understand where your coming from always trying to be happy, but in reality your life is in shambles. Sometimes peace is the hardest thing to find, but when you get it's the best thing in the world. Keep praying to God for peace and he'll give it to you!!! That's what helped me.
ReplyDeleteI completly understand how you feel. I've been feeling the exact same way for over a year now and it doesnt seem to get better. It seems like the better of a person you are, you less people appreciate you and what you have to offer, which is backwards as hell. I just stopped depending on people to be there for me.
ReplyDeleteI'm a sophmore in college and I've decided that instead of trying to form friendships with people on campus, to form a friendship with myself. I dont think anyone will ever truly be happy, nor find someone else to compliment that happiness until they can honestly be that for themselves.
I myself was raised in Baptist church and I stopped going maybe 5 years ago because I cant seem to find the peace and support that the religion promises. It may be me but I think religious people are the most judgemental , unforgiving people on the earth so when I'm going through personal troubles, God and the church don't offer the helping hand I need.
I suggest you concentrate on you and the goals you are working so hard to accomplish. I watch our YouTube videos, and i follow you on Twitter not only because I enjoy a laugh but because I truly and rooting for your success. So just know that you have at least one person who understands what you're going through and cares about you and what you're doing.
love this jb; i feel this way too.hang in there remember we are here for u
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Incredible post. To be honest, I almost didn't click the link. Immediately after reading the post I realized that even I was potentially someone who wasn't really down for you 24/7 even though I consider myself a supporter. With that said, I think sometimes it takes ample reassurance from the people you're on the fence with to fully open up and trust people. Like you said, you hardly hear from people who claimed to be down for you anymore but at the same time, without those people constantly testing your judge of character...you wouldn't realize how strong of a person you are.
ReplyDeleteIt's more than natural to feel some type of way about God and being able to rely on someone who isn't physically in our presence. I struggle with my faith in God all the time but when you aren't able to find reason and clarity behind things that even someone who is physically there can't help you with...God ALWAYS will. We're able to feel his presence through the people surrounding us. For example, you...You firmly believe you're hear to send a message to people. For the people you help through all the projects you take part in, you're living through God and those people give thanks to God for being able to take something positive away from the messages you deliver. Even through this post, I've read some of the comments and there are already people you've helped realize that they aren't alone in feeling the same way you do. I think you're talent is beyond measure and people cannot ignore what you have.
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ReplyDeleteThat is truly deep. I would have to say we all may feel that way I know I do. It takes a lot to put your real emotions out for the world to see. Follow my blog poeticjoia.blogspot.com I have some of the same issues. Stay doing your thing. I followed you because your entertaining and quite attractive but anyway stay blessed and you will go far!!
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